A common question I receive when working with seekers of Self-realization is about the permissibility of establishing psychological boundaries. For example, people often ask: “If awakening is about realizing that we are all One, then is it okay to still have boundaries?” or “I’ve heard some spiritual teachers say our true nature is boundaryless awareness, but in therapy I am working on cultivating boundaries in my personal life. Is this a contradiction? Will this prevent Self-realization? How do I understand boundaries within the context of everything being One?” While I’ve addressed this natural and understandable concern before, I feel inspired to expand on it here.
It is true that awakening to the Oneness of our essential nature imparts the direct experience of having no sense of boundaries or limits to our conscious-awareness. However, the psychological concept of personal boundaries — the physical, emotional, and mental limits we set for ourselves within relationships — can exist simultaneously within the realization of Oneness.
This is because psychological boundaries operate on the relative mind-heart-body level, whereas Oneness transcends these dimensions. Our limitless nature is pre-conceptual, existing both within and beyond form. In other words, boundaries and Oneness do not negate each other. On the divine “side,” we can realize our Oneness with all things, and on the human “side,” we can still desire boundaries, personal space, or privacy — at work, with family and friends, in romantic partnerships, and in many other situations.
For example, perhaps your personality is introverted or you simply enjoy a certain way of living. Or you may prefer to feel safe in your home by locking the doors and setting the alarm (physical boundaries). Or you’d rather not kiss or have sex on the first date (sexual boundaries). Or you value your time, energy, money, and possessions (material or resource boundaries). Or you just can’t stand another person badgering, insulting, or irritating you. Or you wish not to divulge your vulnerable feelings or opinions (emotional or intellectual boundaries). All of these are valid reasons to implement boundaries.
The only caveat is that if we are Self-realized, we would not be drawing boundaries from a condition of suffering, fear, reactivity, defensiveness, or need. Instead, we’d invoke them from a place of preference, common sense, and intentional responsiveness to the present moment. Therefore, before employing a boundary, it’s important to process and quiet our thoughts and feelings, attune to the rhythms/wisdom of our body and nervous system, and allow these aspects of our being to inform our decisions rather than dictate them. Then from this nuanced inner clarity, we can use our intuition (to the best of our ability) to empathetically exercise whatever boundary feels most appropriate for the specific context we find ourselves in.
Discovering our own personal boundaries is a natural part of learning how to manage the complexities of human life. And holding firm yet compassionate boundaries can often be a sign of psychological health, as it shows we understand our human limitations and can assertively advocate for ourselves. Moreover, when we abide in the realization of Oneness, we may actually uphold more unyielding boundaries than before – because we are in touch with our fearless, loving center and aligned with Truth.
Have you ever noticed how many Self-realized souls have some of the most powerful personalities? This matches the Vedic description of an awakened soul: “Softer than the flower, where kindness is concerned; stronger than the thunder, where principles are at stake.” The key is to embody both qualities at the same time. If we only have soft flowery kindness, we may get taken advantage of. If we only have strong thundery principles, we may end up hurting others. The secret lies in the middle way.
In his writings, Paramahansa Yogananda shares one of my favorite stories on this topic:
That Moral Backbone
Long ago, near a rock outside a village in India, there lived a poisonous hooded snake. This reptile killed many of the village children with its death-dealing fangs, but he was so sly that every attempt of the villagers to kill him failed. As a last resort, the villagers visited their holy man and entreated him: “Holy Master, please use your spiritual powers to prevent the snake from continuing its gruesome work of murdering our little children.”
The saint agreed to comply with their request. He went near the place where the snake lived, and by the magnetic power of his divine love coaxed the snake to come out. Then the saint commanded: “O Snake, desist from biting to death the dear people of my village. Practice nonviolence.” With humbled hood the snake promised.
Soon after this incident the saint went on a pilgrimage. It was a year before he returned to the village, but as he passed by the rock where the snake lived he thought of the snake and wondered if it had kept its promise. As he looked about he was astonished to spy the snake in a pool of blood, severe wounds in its back. When the saint asked what was the matter with him, the snake in a feeble voice replied: “Holy Preceptor, I have seven wounds in my back as a result of your teachings. Ever since the village children found out that I was harmless, they have pelted me with stones whenever they saw me go out in search of food. Although I have ducked in and out of my hole as quickly as I could, I have received these severe injuries to my spine. Master, at first they fled at sight of me, but now because of your teachings of nonviolence, I have to flee from them.”
The Hindu master patted the snake on the back and healed him. Then he smilingly rebuked him, saying: “You little fool, I did tell you not to bite; but why didn’t you hiss?”
Snakes hiss, lions roar, bees buzz, frogs croak, birds chirp, orangutans boom… and humans communicate boundaries (verbally and nonverbally). The bottom line is that there is nothing wrong, shameful, or inharmonious about observing boundaries, nor does it obscure the Oneness of our true nature. As long as we are creating them from a balanced position of good intent, clarity, non-reactivity, non-defensiveness, and intuition, boundaries can be incredibly helpful strategies for navigating and thriving in our dynamic lives. Furthermore, our ability to exhibit healthy boundaries also helps those in our orbit – by modeling a good example and offering a mirror for those who may be imposing themselves harshly or unknowingly. If you find yourself hesitant to practice boundaries because you’re concerned about how others will react, then consider contemplating this truth: “If I’m doing what’s best for myself, then I’m automatically doing what’s best for everybody else.”
In my own life, I have worked hard to maintain and refine healthy boundaries, and I continue to do so – whether it’s to give my body and mind rest after a long day or week of service, or to ensure I’m surrounded by positive influences in my environment, or to guard my precious time for the activities that feel most valuable to me. And my life has become better for it. Most importantly, I’ve never noticed any loss of Oneness through this practice – not even a little. In fact, because setting boundaries is an act of love for both oneself and others, it has given my heart a stable psychological container through which Love can expand infinitely, ultimately dissolving any illusion of separateness between “myself” and the rest of the cosmos.